Domestic Violence Awareness: Stages in a Battered Woman's (Man's) Experience

Stages in a Battered Woman's (Man's) Experience

At the point of crisis (immediately following an incident of abuse, could be other than physical), common reactions of victims are that they may:

1. Deny the assault or make it seem less than it was.
2. Blame themselves, at least in part - and think "If I caused it, I can stop it."
3. Seek help.
4. Feel ambivalent, thinking the incident does not really matter and has no effect on life.

I was in denial. When I arrived at the shelter and saw other women and heard their stories, it made me feel a bit ambivalent because I wasn't in the same shape as these other women. Then it hit me: We are here for the same reason, and I broke down and cried. Over time and with group therapy sessions, I came to realize that abuse takes on many forms including emotional, mental, financial, sexual, and of course physical.

In the days and weeks following the incident, the victim may:

1. Continue going in and out of the violent relationship believeing it was just a one-time incident and believe the abuser when he/she says they will never do it again.
2. Attempt to use counseling or therapy to maintain the relationship and make it nonviolent.
3. Return to the relationship without any improvement.

I didn't struggle with the thought of taking him back and trying to make things work until months later, and by then I was aware that although it was familiar, it wasn't healthy. I haven't been back. When our son talks about his family or tells me that he misses his "dada" it makes me feel a bit of disappointment in myself that I didn't give him that stability in his life, but again we're both healthier and happier than we would have been if I had kept us in that situation.

The victim may decide on his/her own or with therapy to:

1. Leave the relationship because that is the only way to live nonviolently.
2. Maintain the relationship nonviolently because they now have the skills to do so.
3. Return to the relationship without any improvements.

I decided to leave and to stay away! It was a critical decision in my efforts to move forward with my life. If other options work for other people, that's wonderful, but I have accepted that our relationship has run its course and we are not going to have that storybook ending that we were hoping for way back in 2007!

If you or someone you love are in an abusive relationship, please understand that this is a tough situation to get out of. The psychological ties and "bondage" are real. Studies have shown that on average it takes 5-7 attempts for victims to leave for good! I packed up 3 times before I finally left. If you are in a domestic violence situation, you DO NOT have to stay. There is help no matter what your situation is. Please dial 211 and someone will be able to get you and any children involved to the resources that you need to get out safely. 

Jamaican Stewed Peas & Fish and Dumplings, My Version

Tonight I experimented with a Jamaican recipe for Stewed Peas and Fish. I used Sprouted black beans and Haddock for this recipe, and it turned out DELICIOUS! I feel like a fat cat lying in the window! Cooking is one of my passions, and I love experimenting with different foods and cultures. It is one of my favorite creative outlets. I rarely cook with a recipe, but I'll try to give you approximate measurements below.

Stewed Sprouted Black Beans w/Haddock
14 oz Haddock filet (frozen)
13 oz Coconut milk (canned, only coconut milk and water)
8 oz by weight sprouted Black Beans
half a large green bell pepper (chopped)
1 small red (purple) onion (chopped)
3 small cloves garlic (minced)
16 oz vegetable stock (unsalted)
1 tbs olive oil
1 tbs thyme
.5 tsp red pepper flakes
.5 tbs garlic powder
salt to taste

Dumplings
.5 cup flour
.25 tsp salt
.25 cup water (add more as necessary)

In a medium sized cast iron dutch oven (or any dutch oven or deep pot), sautee onion, garlic, and bell pepper until translucent. Chop frozen fish into chunks and add to pot. Add beans. Add thyme, garlic powder, and red pepper flakes. Stir well. Add coconut milk and vegetable stock. Simmer for 2-2.5 hours. Add stock as needed to keep from scorching! During the last 45 minutes of cook, make the dumplings. To make the dumplings, combine flour and salt into a bowl and add water until a soft ball of dough forms. Pinch small balls of dough and roll into inch long dumplings. Drop into pot. Cook 25-30 minutes. Serve over rice with your choice of vegetables. Next time I make this recipe, I'll try to take measurements. Enjoy :)

Domestic Violence Awareness: Your Assertiveness Rights

Your Assertiveness Rights

1. You have the right not to be abused.
2. You have the right to be angry over past abuse.
3. You have the right to choose to change the situation.
4. You have the right to be free from fear of abuse.
5. You have the right to request and expect assistance from police and social service agencies.
6. You have the right to share your feelings and not be isolated from others.
7. You have the right to to be treated like an adult.
8. You have the right to leave an abusive environment.
9. You have the right to privacy.
10. You have the right to express your own thoughts and feelings
11. You have the right to develop your own individual talents and abilities.
12. You have the right to legally prosecute the partner who is abusing you.
13. You have the right not to be perfect.

Last year, I took a critical step in my personal life by ending a toxic and oftentimes abusive relationship. I had no money. I was working 20 hours a week on work-study. My car was on it's last leg. I felt like I had no one and nowhere to go. I made a phone call after the last encounter. I packed my things, and I left. My car was filled to the brim from the trunk to the passengers seat except for the space where my son's car seat was sitting. After I made the trip to pick my son up, I went to the thrift shop to pick up some professional attire (I had a job interview the next day). Then I headed to the shelter.

I was devastated. I was confused, and I was hurt. I felt that I was doing almost everything right in life and in my relationship! How could I have ended up here?!?! I made the decision to leave him and keep moving forward with my life. I went to that job interview with confidence. I didn't get the job, but I was proud of myself for continuing to live despite my emotional state. I finished my last summer semester of undergrad, and I came back to my hometown. My car died on me about 3 months after I arrived. I graduated in December 2013 with my Bachelor of Science of Finance!

Take a look at the list above. These are our rights as human beings. These are things that should not be compromised for "love," but so often they are. I deprived myself of myself for so long that I had all but shriveled up and died inside. I didn't do anything that I liked to do because his demands and insecurities were deemed greater. I never went out and experienced undergrad life on campus. I didn't do any of the things normal coeds do. There was very little of me left except for a small spark. When I left him, when I made the decision that I and my child were worth more, the spark became a small flame. The more I move forward in my life, the more the flame grows. Never let another person's wants, needs, or demands snub you out. A relationship should not strip either party of their joy.

Take charge of your life. Utilize your assertiveness rights. Don't stand for abuse. You deserve to live life freely and fully. If you are in a domestic violence situation, you DO NOT have to stay. There is help no matter what your situation is. Please dial 211 and someone will be able to get you and any children involved to the resources that you need to get out safely. 

What is LOVE?

A poor image of ourselves attracts predators. Learn to love yourself fully before you look for someone else to. Also, is it really fair to ask someone to love you when you don't even love yourself? Food for thought. ~Richard Lawrence of Young, Black, and Married

October is Domestic Violence awareness month, and I would like to take a few blogs to discuss this matter with you all. While browsing on Facebook, I came across a few things. This picture to the left and this quote above.

Princess Jasmine and Aladdin are a beautiful couple. He fought valiantly to obtain her hand in marriage. She was a sassy, outspoken woman with a will and opinion of her own. What if after the wedding and a few months of "loving" each other, Aladdin's insecurities began to unravel? What if this happened to Princess Jasmine? It does everyday. Every day, women are abused and assaulted in their homes by Prince Aladdin. Nobody ever expects such behavior from him, after all look at how hard he worked to woo her and win her heart. Surely he would never hurt her! Maybe all of her outspokenness and passion were her insecurities fighting their way to the surface as well.

As Richard stated, A poor image of ourselves attracts predators. Learn to love yourself fully before you look for someone else to. No, it is never the victims fault that they are being abused. It is important to know how you view yourself and how you are perceived while you are dating. Narcissists will not attempt to attach themselves to a person that they can not manipulate.

After you've lived through this experience once, it is easy to fall back into negative relationship patterns if you are not vigilant. Richard says it best, ...is it really fair to ask someone to love you when you don't even love yourself? Food for thought. Take time to heal and rebuild. Being single and happy is very possible. Loving yourself again is very possible. Don't allow anyone to teach you how to love yourself especially if it is detrimental to your overall health and well being. You should love yourself so much that you don't allow anyone to trample on you again. Be selective about who you allow into your life. If you or someone that you know are being abused and you are ready to get out, please leave and get to a safe location and reach out to your local domestic violence shelter for counseling and assistance. If you do not know how to locate these services, dial 211 for assistance. If you are in a domestic violence situation and you have no family in the area, please dial 211 and someone will be able to get you to the resources that you need to get out safely.

Fish! Catch the Energy & Release the Potential

On a recent trip to my local Rescue Mission thrift shop, I visited the book section in search of some golden goodies! My son, who is very... adventurous, wandered ahead of me trailing behind his Nana and picked up a book with a fish on the cover. He had to show it to me and to Nana. He thought that it was a book for him, but God used my little adventurer to lead me to this book! The idea behind the book is quite simple: If people love what they do, they will do it well & this is how. I decided that at $1, this book couldn't be a bad investment. Today, I was able to make my $1 investment count. I read the book in about an hour and a half with several interruptions.

There are four main principles to understand to make the workplace work.

• Choose a positive attitude
• Play
• Be present
• Make their day

The first principle can seem the most difficult for some people; however, when we choose our attitude, we create our own success. When we don't choose our attitude or we are reactive to what happens around us, we choose not to be in control of our success. Joyce Meyer calls this the "Battlefield of the Mind" and she has extensive teachings o the subject as well.

The second principle is something that is somewhat difficult for mos adults. We are taught to grow up and act like mature adults. This implies walking around in gray suits and driving gray cars and living a gray life fr most people. This takes a lot of the fun out of our lives. Since we can spend 40 hours or more working in this environment it can cause us to have a deficit in energy and enthusiasm for the work that we do. In the book Fish!, they discussed the importance of play at the Pike Place Fish Market. The workers there created a fun and playful environment where they sold fish and made memories by playing lively interactive fish games with the crowd (you gotta read the book). These games not only made the work fun, but more enjoyable for the employees.

Be present is the third principle. This is a tough one as well. Being present means being unavailable for certain things in order to make the most of other things, such as family. Set a time and place for working. At the close of business, close the business side of your life and choose to be present with your family and loved ones. Don't be too pressed to work all the time. Providing for your family is not more important than the time you spend with them. The last thing that we want is for our careers to provide more for our families than we do. DO NOT WORK AT THE RISK OF RELATIONSHIPS! Family time is more important than anything else. Nurture these relationships first.

Finally is the principle of making their day. This principle is simply the act of making yourself memorable to your customers, making memories with your family, and creating experiences that create a longing for another interaction with you or your company.

For me, the first and third principles are difficult. I have the attitude battle within myself everyday! I choose to stunt my growth every time I choose not to think positively and plan positively. Being present is also difficult for me as a single working mother. I have the full responsibility of providing for, teaching, nurturing, grooming, and the overall development of myself, my child, and my business. There is no one else to do it for me the way that I want it done.

I can ask my family and friends (a blog of a different title), but I seldom do. In fact, I take on all of these responsibilities myself. This lack of delegation makes me a little bit absentminded, exhausted, and ultimately busy all the time! I do not like it. I genuinely need to do a better job of sticking to my business hours and spend more time being present in my home and in my son's life and developing our relationship. He'll only be my baby boy for a few more years, and I want to maximize this time!

If you have read this blog and you are an entrepreneur, let me tell you simply why this book and these principles apply to us. We are the workplace. We are the energy. We are the problem and the solution. When you take on the responsibility of business ownership, your business takes on the tone that you set for it and the personality that you give it. You are the only entity that can create a change in your company. For a more in depth view of these four topics and to see how they were implemented to turn a "toxic energy dump" into the most coveted department of "First Guarantee Financial", pick up the book and read it!

The Sea Gull or the Lion Cub?

Disney movies are some of my favorite films of all time! I love the complex simplicity of the characters and how each movie leaves you with a very important image of life and a lesson to boot! Recently, I've been thinking about leadership and knowledge. In the movie The Little Mermaid, Ariel was told a whole lot of misinformation about life on the surface! This info made her look ridiculous when she finally became a human, such as a fork is called a dingle hopper and that it is used to comb the hair! How embarrassing was that!

Let's not forget young Simba in the Lion King who was so thoroughly terrified by the things he thought he did that he couldn't begin to think about taking his place in the animal kingdom as the Lion King. He ran away from the responsibility of his lineage up until the moment he found out that he was not the cause of his father's death. These two characters and others represent two very important principles in Entrepreneurship: knowledge and timing.

1. Know that you know what you're talking about. With the prevalence of the internet, it is easy to share and receive information. Any individual can create a platform and start "sharing knowledge" on just about any subject but not all are correct. You should be well read and current on issues in your field/industry so that your information is true and accurate. You don't have to wait until you feel like an expert to start your business. You just need to have verifiable, accurate data. There are so many resources available once you make that initial step, and you will always fail every opportunity that you don't take. Don't be a sea gull!
2. Don't waste time. Wasting time in business is like not healthy. You can accomplish something, but not much and not usually of quality. Also, you can cause yourself delays and unnecessary hardships when you put off doing things that need to be done like calling customers, responding to e-mails, making products, or marketing. You have a vision and a reason for being in business. Don't let your moment pass you by. Conditions are rarely ever perfect for starting a business, but you should never let your personal fears or inadequacies stop you. You have something great to offer the world if you just believe in yourself enough. Take the time to believe in yourself or no one else will.

My Natural Hair Journey: Deep Conditioning Protein Treatment

 

I would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

I have goals and ambitions for my hair just like I do in every other area of my life, so I'm learning what it takes to reach these goals and maintain them. My current hair goals are to strengthen & retain length and achieve bra-strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I've been natural for over 10 years, but my hair has never been longer than my collarbone/shoulders (except my post-partum  hair). This "lack" of growth is not relevant to my hair's growth rate at all. In fact, my hair grows very quickly. Actually my lack of apparent hair growth is due to my retention levels and my inconsistencies including inconsistent protective styling, inconsistent diet, and inconsistent exercise levels. Let's not even begin to discuss my stress levels... PHEW!!. All of these things and more work together to grow longer, stronger, healthier hair, and all or most of these things have been working against me.

Now that my life is in a different place and I can focus more on me, I am making a point to devote more time to my self care and maintenance. I am also a part of the Hair Luv community where I receive encouragement and great tips and tricks on how to grow my hair longer, stronger, and healthier!

Today, I washed, deep conditioned/protein treated, finger detangled, and moisturized my hair. I used my liquefied black soap as shampoo and I created my own deep conditioning yogurt protein treatment (recipe below). Followed by my hair and scalp oil and whipped Shea butter (Shea butter, hemp oil, sunflower oil). My hair is supple, moist, and silky! I then separated my hair into four equal sections and twisted each section of my hair into four two-strand twists. It feels so great! My hair is in love! This was the first time I'd ever finger detangled successfully, and I loved it. No combs for the next 90 days! I will definitely be sticking to this routine!

Deep Conditioning Yogurt Protein Treatment
1 cup (8 oz) plain yogurt (shown in the picture)
1 tsp honey (I had Fischer's Raw Honey on hand)
1/8 cup (1 oz - 1.5 oz) Avocado oil
15 drops Lemon essential oil
8 drops Rosemary essential oil

This recipe is not exact; however, this is my base. You can adjust this recipe as needed for your hair. My hair and scalp loved this entire regimen, so I will definitely be sticking to it! For additional benefits and an even better scent, try peppermint, lavender, ylang ylang, or clary sage essential oils. Please research safe usage rates and usage recommendations before using any essential oil as some essential oils are not safe fro pregnant women and others.

I would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

I would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

I would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

I would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

I would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf

would like to be bra strap length by February 2015 and midback length by December 2015. I typically braid my hair, twist it, or wear it out. - See more at: http://www.hairluv.org/mail/view.php?id=8&page=1#sthash.L5CW01Cz.dpuf