Domestic Violence Awareness: Stages in a Battered Woman's (Man's) Experience

Stages in a Battered Woman's (Man's) Experience

At the point of crisis (immediately following an incident of abuse, could be other than physical), common reactions of victims are that they may:

1. Deny the assault or make it seem less than it was.
2. Blame themselves, at least in part - and think "If I caused it, I can stop it."
3. Seek help.
4. Feel ambivalent, thinking the incident does not really matter and has no effect on life.

I was in denial. When I arrived at the shelter and saw other women and heard their stories, it made me feel a bit ambivalent because I wasn't in the same shape as these other women. Then it hit me: We are here for the same reason, and I broke down and cried. Over time and with group therapy sessions, I came to realize that abuse takes on many forms including emotional, mental, financial, sexual, and of course physical.

In the days and weeks following the incident, the victim may:

1. Continue going in and out of the violent relationship believeing it was just a one-time incident and believe the abuser when he/she says they will never do it again.
2. Attempt to use counseling or therapy to maintain the relationship and make it nonviolent.
3. Return to the relationship without any improvement.

I didn't struggle with the thought of taking him back and trying to make things work until months later, and by then I was aware that although it was familiar, it wasn't healthy. I haven't been back. When our son talks about his family or tells me that he misses his "dada" it makes me feel a bit of disappointment in myself that I didn't give him that stability in his life, but again we're both healthier and happier than we would have been if I had kept us in that situation.

The victim may decide on his/her own or with therapy to:

1. Leave the relationship because that is the only way to live nonviolently.
2. Maintain the relationship nonviolently because they now have the skills to do so.
3. Return to the relationship without any improvements.

I decided to leave and to stay away! It was a critical decision in my efforts to move forward with my life. If other options work for other people, that's wonderful, but I have accepted that our relationship has run its course and we are not going to have that storybook ending that we were hoping for way back in 2007!

If you or someone you love are in an abusive relationship, please understand that this is a tough situation to get out of. The psychological ties and "bondage" are real. Studies have shown that on average it takes 5-7 attempts for victims to leave for good! I packed up 3 times before I finally left. If you are in a domestic violence situation, you DO NOT have to stay. There is help no matter what your situation is. Please dial 211 and someone will be able to get you and any children involved to the resources that you need to get out safely.