Domestic Violence

Domestic violence. Two words that strike fear into the hearts of many survivors and victims are domestic violence or domestic abuse. Domestic abuse/violence occurs when you as an individual feel threatened, demeaned, or neglected by a person that you love in your home or who holds an unnecessary amount of power over your thoughts. Sometimes it can feel like domestic terrorism. Ex: Your husband/wife yells at and demeans you in private. They tell you that you're worthless and no one else will ever want you. They tell you all of your flaws with in depth descriptions, and never praise you for anything that you do, but to everyone else, he/she is an amazing person. They cheat. They lie. They don't provide physically, monetarily, or emotionally. You can't talk to them about anything. You edit your words before they come out of your mouth. You can't exist without their permission.

Domestic violence/abuse doesn't usually start at the beginning of a relationship, not outright. It usually begins with verbal abuse, snide comments, pitying the abuser, and manipulation. The abuser has to break the victim down and create a space inside of him/her that only they can fill. This normally occurs because of the abuser's own insecurities in themselves. The abuse builds. The occurrences increase. If you have a friend or family member that pays attention, like I did, by now they've picked up on these tendencies. It doesn't take long if you are outside and you care. Your family member or friend know what the abuser is about. They'll try to tell you to leave, but you're in a mental and emotional stronghold.

You don't think that you can leave, but THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE! I repeat THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE! If there are children involved, THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE. If you are not the breadwinner, THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE. If you have no family where you live, THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE. If you think you have to save him/her, you can't. Stop trying. If your love was enough, you wouldn't be in this situation. THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE. You can leave any time you want because you are worth more. You deserve more, and you should allow yourself to demand more! Never let another person's insecurities keep you from loving yourself!!

If you are the friend or family member of a domestic abuse/violence victim, do  not tell them to leave! DO NOT TELL THEM TO LEAVE! Some abusers will coerce the victim to stay with them and cut you off if you tell the victim to leave or the victim will cut you off for being unsupportive of the greatest love of his/her life. This is the last thing that you need to happen. You can support the victim by listening, praying, and just being there. Let them know that no matter what they decide, they will always have you. It is not an easy task. My sister was ready to come put me in a straight jacket and haul me out of my relationship by force, but she just listened and advised. It took me five years and nine months to leave. I made the decision to leave three separate times, but I didn't know about 211. He doesn't know to this day that I packed mine and my sons bags three separate times to leave, but I finally go tout before things got decidedly physical.

To the families:

• Ask questions without judgement or condemnation. Ex: What do you want for yourself? How does abuser fit into that picture? Is he/she supportive of your efforts? Does he/she make you feel valuable and loved?
• Pray, meditate, fast, or consult the universe, whatever you do.
• Tell thme that THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH THEY MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE, but do not demand that they leave.
• Remind them to dial 211 if they need help. This is the United Way helpline. They'll connect them to the right shelter or organization to get them safely out of the situation.

To the victims:

• THERE IS NEVER A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU MUST STAY AND ACCEPT THE ABUSE.
• Dial 211 for help. If you are placed in shelter housing, they will give you all the tools that you need to get on your feet. They assist you with finding a job, housing, pressing charges or getting protection orders, and counseling. They can also assist with child support and relocating you to another city or state or back to your family.
• Don't cut off your family and friends. They love and value you more than you do right now. They just don't want to come to your funeral.
• Be mindful not to fall into another abusive relationship. Take time to rediscover yourself, and love yourself so much that a (wo)man will be forced to meet your love minimum in order to be with you.

These are my thoughts based on my experiences, and it is important to note that I did not list an exhaustive list of scenarios or  outcomes, but the most obvious and terrifying consequences are death to the victim and psychological damage to the children if any are involved. Please seek counsel if you are in an abusive or toxic relationship, and get out if you can while you can before it ends without your input.